


The Destructive Ways

by StormyBear30



Series: Destructive Ways [1]
Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-14
Updated: 2011-06-14
Packaged: 2017-10-20 10:29:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/211820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30





	The Destructive Ways

I am lost in thought as I stare out the window over looking the nightlife of the city before me. Lost in thoughts, memories, haunts of the past, where I was once so happy and then so miserable before it all got sent to hell in a hand basket. I continue to stand here, trying to ignore the rapping upon the door of my hotel room, the beating of my heart matching its intensity. I already know who it is and as much as my mind screams for me to ignore it, I find myself shuffling forward into a place that I haven’t been in ages and as much as I don’t want to end up there once again, there is no way that I can fight it.

No words are spoken as I open the door, walking slowly back to my original spot, once again looking out the window and seeing nothing of the beauty before me, only the mirrored image of the person behind me. “You shouldn’t be here Shannon” I finally find the effort to speak, just not the effort to turn and face him.

“You let me in Matt” He speaks calmly and I can only nod at that because it’s nothing but the truth before I finally turn to face him.

My breath catches within my throat as I take in the full effect of the man standing before me. My heart aches as age old pain resurfaces, my hands and body fighting the urge to reach out, hold him, capture him, to never let him go. It’s a long and hard struggle, but one I hold strong to as I take a deep breath, my eyes traveling the length of his body before speaking again.

“You look tired” I speak truthfully, because he is not as vibrant as I once remembered him to be.

“I don’t sleep much anymore” He replies with a shrug, hands slipping into the front pockets of his jeans as he continues to stand in front of me.

“Yeah…” Is all I can say because I don’t sleep much either at night, no matter how hard I try.

“How’s the touring going?” He questions when the silence begins to surround us in thick and heavy waves.

“Good…it’s been good” I reply dumbly. I really hate this uncomfortableness that surrounds us, because there was once a time when he and I could communicate without words and Jesus how I miss that. “Congratulations on the awards” Another dumb statement as I begin to rub my hands absently mindedly upon my thigh.

“Thanks” He shrugs, hands still hiding within the pockets of his jeans, he just as uncomfortable as I am. “How’s Libby?” He asks, trying to hide his eyes, the way his jaw clenches as he speaks her name, but I see it. I always see it. I can read Shannon like a book and it makes my heart surge to know that even after all this time I still can.

“We’re not doing so good Shannon” I reply truthfully, because I know he can read me just as clearly. “She knows about us” I speak plainly, not having to explain how it is that I am back home in California and living in a hotel, instead of in my home with my wife.

“I’m sorry. I never meant for this…” He falters for a moment before rethinking his words and starting again. “I never wanted to hurt you Matt” He speaks instead and my heart surges once again, because I know that it’s true. Shannon is the toughest person I know, but when it comes to the people he loves he would just as soon cut off his right arm then to hurt them. “Jared…”

“Let’s not bring up Jared here” I cut him off, my mind running off to the day that I had come home from the hardware store and found Libby sitting in the living room waiting for me with a letter and photo’s in her hand.

“He shouldn’t have done it Matt. I hadn’t even known about it until weeks after he sent her that letter and those photos” Once again I can hear the truth in his words as I turn to face the window once again because my mind is so confused and conflicted as to what I should feel or do that I feel as if I may faint.

“You shouldn’t be here Shannon” I repeat my earlier sentence, still looking out the window, his reflection staring at me through hurt eyes. My resolve is cracking, knowing where it will lead eventually, but keeping up the good fight just the same. “You kicked me out” I turn to face him, anger and upset from nearly a year before exploding within me because I can now speak the words of anger and shock that I wasn’t able to before. “You kicked me out of the band that meant more to me then my own family. You just made the announcement that I was leaving without concern for my feelings and then you all just shut me out” Taking a deep breath I try to control the tears that want to blaze down my face, control the urge to run forward and fall at his feet as I cry out my broken heart and it’s so much of a fucking struggle that I feel I can’t stand anymore as I fall into a nearby chair.

“I had no control of that” He speaks plainly and it causes my heart to break even more. “It was all Jared’s idea. He was angry and hurt and…”

“You didn’t even try and stop him” My words are accusing and harsh and I know that they hurt him, by the glistening of wetness I see shimmering within his eyes.

“No…I didn’t” He confirms. “I was hurt and angry too” My resolve crumbles even more as he closes his eyes for a moment, two lone tears trickling down his cheeks.

The ugly silence surrounds us once again as we continue to stare at each other. “I had to try and give it a chance” I finally speak up, my voice so gravely and low because of the tears I continue to fight. “She was my wife for god’s sake. I had to give us a chance” I seems to be speaking more for my benefit then his, defending the marriage to the woman I had hoped would break me of my love for Shannon, a love that he reciprocated, but wasn’t willing to move forward with when I became ready for more.

“I know…” Two simple words that finally break me down completely as I hide my head in my hands, my eyes closed as I pray for Shannon to come to me, to hold me like he once used to. He doesn’t.

“We never had a chance” I sniffle, forcing myself to look at him fidgeting nervously before me in that same stance as before. “How could we when I could never stop loving you…still can’t stop loving you” I whisper, my breath held as he rushes across the room, falls to his knees and wraps his strong arms around me. “It’s over” I murmur against his ear, grasping the back of his shirt within my clenched hands as I allow him to hold me tightly. “We’ve been separated for months”

“I’m really sorry about this…about everything” He replies sadly, letting me go as he sits back on his knees and gazes up at me with eyes burdened with sorrow. “I wish that you and I had never…” He chokes on the last part of his sentence, but I know what he is trying to say regardless.

“Do you really wish that you and I had never been together?” I ask, eyes wide, heart racing as I wait for him to break my heart even more.

He hesitates for a moment, knowing that I am gauging the truth of his words by his eyes. “No…” He speaks softly. “I could never be sorry for loving you Mattie” I close my eyes and relish the warmth of his hand and it reaches out and caresses my check. “I’m just sorry that I couldn’t give you what you wanted…what you needed from me”

It’s getting too serious and I find it almost impossible to breath as I sit back, watching as he hand falls away, laying in his lap as he looks up at me as if trying to figure out what is going on inside my head. The truth is that I don’t know what is going on inside of my head or my heart as I reach out and run my hand along his stubbled head. “It’s growing back” I smile, loving the way the short strands tickle the underside of my hand. “I couldn’t believe it when I saw the pictures after you shaved it”

“It was one of the many stupid things I have been doing to myself since you left” He smiles sadly and all I can see is nothing but heartbreak staring back at me despite his attempts. He’s being destructive again, just like he was before I stepped in so many years ago and forced him to see the error of his ways, forced him to see that he was capable of being loved and loving in return.

“Is that why you are here?” I ask, having to know if this is just his way of pulling himself together once again before falling back into the evil of his former ways.

Again he hesitates before answering, sitting backwards as he pulls his knees into his chest. He doesn’t remain sitting for long as he pulls himself up and walks over towards the other side of the window pane, taking up looking out at the city where I had left off. “I came here because…” I watch as he takes a deep breath, watch as he lays his forehead upon the clear glass, his body beginning to tremble as I continue to wait for him to respond. “I have to go…” He blurts out instead, rushing towards the hotel room door, so quickly that he’s halfway down the hallway before I even know what the hell is going on.

He doesn’t get much further as I run after him, grabbing his hand and forcing him around before wrapping my arms around his frame. He doesn’t even struggle as I crush him against my body because he knew I was going to come after him, even if I wasn’t so sure. No words are spoken as he snakes his arms around my middle, holding on so tightly that I have to fight for breath and yet I tighten the hold I have on him as well. There are no tears, no long and drawn out sobbing fits as there is no need for them. We already know what the other is thinking and feeling as we loosen our hold on the other and walk arm and arm back into my hotel room.

The moment we enter the room our clothes melt away, until we are laying together in a familiar pattern, Shannon’s head on my chest, me holding him close. “I just need to recharge” He says and I know what he means as he snuggles even closer, his long eye lashes whispering across my nipple. He’s asleep in an instant and I can’t help but smile as I drift off to sleep myself because I know that at least for tonight he will find true rest.

I wake up hours later, my arms empty, a frown upon my face as I try to understand if last night was only a dream. “I’m sorry…” A deep voice speaks ruggedly as I look to my left and find him leaning against the headboard.

“You were tired” I state with a sleepy and content smile, because I’ve missed moments like this.

“Yeah…Jared’s got us touring like mad lately. I’m getting to old for this shit” He grins impishly at me because he knows that I know he will never grow too old to do what he loves best.

My smile disappears as that impish look disappears and sadness once again replaces it. “What is it this time?” I ask, because I know the other reason he is here as well. “Drinking? Drugs? Fucking everything within a mile radius?” The last question comes out rougher then I intended, but I love this man and despite the fact I hold no claims to him any longer, the idea of him fucking someone else angers me.

“I promised you I would never do drugs again” He defends, knees pulled into his chest, the palm of his hand cradling his head.

“Drinking and fucking then?” I ask, my heart screaming like a banshee inside as I fight the urge to allow it to exit over my lips as well.

“Yeah…” It’s so soft that I barely hear it.

Closing my eyes I force back the urge to cry because I was the one who left him nearly a year ago in order to live a normal life, or as normal of a life as one can live when you’re head over heels in love with a man who you know can never fully commit to you. “Oh…” Is the only word that I can utter as I too sit up, a thin sheet covering my lower torso.

Our friend the silence once again surrounds us and I fiddle with the sheet as I try to come up with something, anything to say, but the words don’t come. “I don’t know what you want me to say” I finally speak, looking over at him where he still sits stone still in his tiny ball. “You’ve lost so much weight” I say dumbly, wanting to kick myself for speaking before thinking.

“I don’t eat much anymore…only what Jared forces feeds me” He replies and I can’t help but think how ironic it is that Jared, who never eats himself most days, is trying to force feed the brother who was always trying to get him to eat.

“You need help Shannon”

“That’s why I am here”

“What do you think that I can do that a professional can’t?”

“Just love me Matt. Just be there for me like you used to be…if only for a short time” There is a begging to his voice that breaks my heart as I shift forward and tug his leg until he is stretches out beside me.

“I will always love you Shannon…always” I whisper as I lean down and kiss him tenderly, knowing that I shouldn’t, but unable to stop myself as I realize for the first time in years that Shannon is my true soul mate and I would do anything that he asked of me.

“I love you too Mattie” He rushes out, drawing my body on top of his before locking his arms around me. His grip is fierce as if he is holding on for dear life and as my hands explore as much of his naked body as I can, as I kiss him hungrily, I hope that slowly but surely it takes his fears away. “Matt…” His pain ridden voice speaks out to me as we break our kiss.

“What is it Shannon?” I whisper against his ear, as I pull him even tighter into my arms.

“I need you” He sounds so desperate and it breaks my already broken heart even more.

“I’m right here Shannon and I’m not going anywhere” I assure, ghosting a kiss across his lips as I gaze into storm filled eyes.

“Make love to me Mattie…please” The begging is back as I fight a bitter battle between what is right and what is wrong.

I decide to do what is right as I trace the tips of my fingers across his cheek. “We can’t baby…not like this” I hate doing the right thing because it’s breaking both of our hearts because it’s something that we both want more then anything else in the entire world.

“I need your Mattie” He goes on, ignoring my words, tears glistening within those same eyes I can’t stop staring into. “I need to feel alive again. I need for you to make it all go away. Please Matt…I need you to take away the pain and the loneliness because I can’t take it anymore. Make it go away” He repeats. “Because you the only one who can” Those words are whispered with such hope that I can’t deny him of what he wants, what we both want. Fuck right or wrong, because right now this is the only thing that feels right.

I’m not really sure what to say because the words don’t come and so I let my actions speak for me and I lean down and place my lips atop his trembling ones. The kiss is slow and even unsure at first as we once again cross lines we know we shouldn’t cross, but neither of us care because it’s something that we both crave, something we both need.

His mouth is moist and heated as I invade it over and over again with my eager tongue. The heat of his body melds into my own as I continue to lay on top of him the weight of my body pinning him into the softness of the mattress. A trail of fire beginning in my belly works it way downward towards my groin as I continue to kiss him. His hands are everywhere as he grabs fully at any exposed flesh he can grab onto, once again reminding me of a man trying to save himself from drowning and yet I speak not a word. I don’t care that I will have mark upon mark upon my body once we are through because it is worth it if he brings him any sort of relief or comfort.

Sitting up, I continue to straddle him as he lays before me, eyes locked upon mine, loaded with such lust and want that it takes my breath away. I see everything in those eyes. His love for me, his fear of the past and present all swirl together within eyes of the deepest green and I know that no matter what happens after today, that nothing is as important then just he and I being together in our own secret cocoon of love. “I love you” I sigh as I lean forward and kiss his sweetly before slipping off of the bed. His eyes never leave me as I pick up his formerly discarded jeans and pull out the packet of condoms I know I will find there. His eyes darken in shame as I find what I am looking for, once again straddling his hips. “It’s ok” I smile down at him, laying the condoms on the bedside table as I kiss him deeply once more.

“Mattie…” He murmurs a moment later as I lay between his legs, blazing a trail of kisses up his inner thigh. I can feel shutters inhabit his entire body as I continue with my advancement, stopping short of his hardened penis as I look up over the vastness of his body. The smell of his manliness is both familiar and heavenly, his taste divine as I take my first taste of a place I had craved for far too long.

His moans and cries are pleasure to my ears as I set a slow and timely rhythm that soon has him crying out in frustrated desire. I can’t help but chuckle, it only serving to make him cry out even louder as I continue to explore the dick lodged deeply within my throat. I feel his hands as they slide through my hair, fighting the urge to cry out as he grabs onto the sides of my head as it continues to bob up and down on his ridged pole. I wrap my hand around the bottom of the shaft, moving in similar motion as I bring him to full release, letting the contents spurt all over my hand and chest as I remove my mouth. I can read the disappointment on his face that I wouldn’t let him come down my throat, but as disappointed as he is, I know that when he is being destructive that he isn’t always careful and as much as I love Shannon, I don’t trust him right now.

“I need to fuck you” I growl, ignoring those eyes of hurt as I reach over and snag the condom from off the bedside table. My movements are unsteady and unsure as I fiddle with the plastic latex, something I hadn’t had to use in all the years I had been with Shannon and then after a long courtship with Libby.

His eyes close tightly as I shift his legs towards his chest, situating myself at his entrance before sliding inside. There is no preparation, no need for it because I know how Shannon likes it as he cries out in pleasure, clawing at the bed for support. The friction proves to me too much for each of us as I forgo the soft and sweet love making I had planned, instead fucking him so hard that I know we will both suffer gladly from the pain of it all once we are done. It’s over much to quickly as I fill the condom, beads of sweat sliding down my back and buttocks, the same pooling upon Shannon’s stomach as well as I lean forward and smear it between our two bodies as I kiss him with all the love that I hold for him.

“I’m sorry” He whispers as I lay down beside him, his fingers tracing the outline of my lips as he peeks over at me through eyes lashes glistening with ready to spill tears. I don’t know what he is sorry for and I don’t care as I lean forward and feather soft kisses upon his eyes. “I love you so much Mattie” He murmurs against my throat as he snuggles into the curve of my neck, sleep lacing those words.

“Love you too Shannon” I reply truthfully, fighting sleep myself.

I wake up hours later to a dark and quiet room. My heart breaks as tears blaze down my cheeks because I know that I am totally alone as I reach over and run my hands across the cold and empty space beside me. I don’t know what to think about what happened between Shannon and I, but I hope and pray that it brought him some comfort and helps him get back onto the correct path and out of his destructive ways. Walking into the bathroom, I clean myself up a bit, covering my red and marred body with a hotel bathrobe as I walk back into the other room, once again standing before the window losing myself quickly in thought.

A knocking upon my door jerks me back to reality and with a smile upon my face and such hope within my heart I make my way across the room, already knowing who it is as I open the door and find the man of my heart standing heartbroken and crying before me.

“I couldn’t do it” He bares his heart open before me. “I can’t lose you again Mattie” I don’t speak a word as I take his hand into my own, leading him inside as I close the door softly behind us.

The End…for now.


End file.
